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How can I get my labrador dog to stop urinating and defacating on me while I'm sleeping?

She's 7 years old and in the last few months she has taken to jumping on the bed when I am sleeping and either doing a poo or weeing on me. I don't find out until I wake up in the morning. Why is she doing this and how can I stop her? PS I can't put her outside, I live in a small apartment and it is too cold for her elsewhere.

here are some of my favourite comments:

strazys: $hit on her first.

R -
This is a common problem with the Labrador breed. Never fear, there are several things you can do that might help.
1) Sleep in your bathtub for a couple weeks in order to trick the dog. Once it begins to do its business in the tub reward it with a snack or a gentle pat. Eventually your pup will prefer the tub over your bed.
2) Fit your dog with cloth diapers at night. This is an inexpensive and easy solution.

3) Deep anal massage. (Note, you will require a didgeridoo) You need only massage the anus and inner rectum. But doing so should calm your dog and release any anger that may be instigating this behaviour.

Anonymous Author
You need my book, "How to Get Your Dog to Stop Deficating on You for Dummies!". You can find it on Amazon.

Table of Contents
Credits.................................. v
Introduction............................. 2
1. What's so bad about it?.................................. 5
2. Know when to say no...................................... 10
3. Don't be afraid to say no................................ 17
4. Getting your dog to respect you by respecting yourself... 24
5. Surprise! The foghorn.................................... 42
6. Fight fire with fire....................................... 48
7. Time for pepper spray...................................... 53
8. Enough is enough..................................... 61

Appendix A:
If all else fails, learn to live with it.................... 65